So, What’s Keeping You Stuck in Your Dung Pile?

I love the Buddhist stories because there always seems to be a truth that I can relate to. I recently found this wonderful little story about two monks who lived together in a monastery for many years; they were great friends. They died within a few months of one another. One of them was reborn in the heaven realms and the other monk was reborn as a worm in a dung pile. The one up in the heaven realms was having a wonderful time, enjoying all the heavenly pleasures. But he started thinking about his friend: "I wonder where my old mate has gone?" So, he scanned all of the heaven realms but could not find a trace of his friend. Then he scanned the realm of human beings but could not see any trace of his friend there, so he looked in the realm of animals and then of insects. Finally he found him, reborn as a worm in a dung pile... Wow! He thought: "I am going to help my friend. I am going to go down there to that dung pile and take him up to the heavenly realm so he too can enjoy the heavenly pleasures and bliss of living in these wonderful realms."

So he went down to the dung pile and called his mate. And the little worm wriggled out and said: "Who are you?"  "I am your friend. We used to be monks together in a past life, and I have come up to take you to the heaven realms where life is wonderful and blissful." But the worm said: "Go away, get lost!" "But I am your friend, and I live in the heaven realms," and he described the heaven realms to the worm. But the worm said: "No thank you, I am quite happy here in my dung pile. Please go away." Then the heavenly being thought: "Well if I could only just grab hold of him and take him up to the heaven realms, he could see for himself." So he grabbed hold of the worm and started tugging at him; and the harder he tugged, the harder that worm clung to his pile of dung.

This story very poignantly reminded me that all of us can fall victim to being comfortable in our own “dung pile.”  And not only are we comfortable… we actually resist or reject the notion that we might be happier if we left the pile. The worm actually believed he was happy in the dung. As humans, our dung pile can be our beliefs.

Research has shown that 90 percent of one’s belief system is formed by age 12 and it undergoes a “final lock” at age 20. I would imagine you can add or subtract a couple of years on either side of this belief continuum formation but the point is that most of us have an intact belief system by the time we reach adulthood. These beliefs are the result of our unique experiences during the first twenty or so years of our life along with how we have been socialized based on our family of origin, gender, ethnicity, religion, etc. Our belief system then results in unconscious but predictable adult behavior patterns which usually have been reinforced by what got us rewarded or punished. These well entrenched beliefs are changed only by some significant personal life event such as death of a loved one, birth of a child, marriage, loss of a job, or not getting a promotion. Less personal but just as significant events include events such as 9/11, the civil rights movement, or the recent recession we have just gone through. Or maybe we have a sudden realization (usually with the help of significant feedback) that some of our behaviors resulting from our belief system are actually self-defeating or have a negative impact on others.

Certain types of stressors or maybe a friend or coach can certainly help motivate us to change. However, we often rush to change without examining our current beliefs or assumptions that may be actually competing with our desire to change….competing to the point that we are more committed to staying in the dung pile then actually changing....even good change! We may need to stop and examine how our beliefs or assumptions are keeping us stuck in our dung pile before trying to make a change. 

This is not easy especially if these competing commitments are unconscious.  What have you done lately to examine how your competing commitments may be getting in the way of you being able to sustain a change in your life?

-By Marsha Hughes-Rease. Fin more From Marsha at quovadiscoachingandconsulting.com

Navigating Emotional Minefields

The phone rings and you answer it not expecting the challenge that's about to be presented.  Individuals are vulnerable and problems arise, even in the best of organizations.  Sound practices and resources help leaders to navigate through the worst situations, ensuring associates are treated with fairness and respect.

Not long ago I lead a discussion about employee relations.  One participant shared a situation about an employee’s behavior -- it was not interfering with his performance nor was it threatening to others -- it was just bizarre and concerning.  They wanted to send him for a medical evaluation but did not have a "fitness-for-duty policy."  Their attorney advised that a fitness for duty was not a good thing anyway because once they knew what the problem was they could be liable under the ADA.  I wasn't sure I agreed.  A fitness for duty isn't a diagnosis.  Rather it's an assessment of whether or not someone can perform his or her job without a threat to self or others. I ran this by an EAP specialist and she confirmed that my understanding was correct. 

More recently I heard of a more serious situation where the employee's behavior was posing a potential threat of physical harm and the company had sent the individual for an assessment. The results raised some serious concerns.  My colleague shared that her firm was evaluating the situation and had yet to make a decision -- stay tuned.  I didn't envy her position but admired her approach.  They were seeking advice from a number of sources.

Difficult situations require hard decisions and decision-making is a process.  Judgment has to be part of the process.  Policies reflect culture.  Some organizations have rigid, zero tolerance policies for certain behaviors, no exceptions.  Others see policies as guidance to sound decision making.  They are one resource, but not the sole resource, used when assessing a situation.

When faced with a situation similar to my colleague's, consult with medical, legal and security experts to assess the risk.  If there is a potential threat of harm, the employee may need to be removed from the workplace.  You won't know this without consultation from the proper experts.  That employee may still need help, but with flexible policies and decisions, help can be made available.

Be aware that whatever decision is made, there will be a risk.  However, with advice from the experts and sound policies and practices as guidance, the risk can be minimized.  Even with a decision is to terminate employment legal risk can be mitigated if the company shows it made a compassionate and thorough decision.

The cornerstones of positive employee relations can be found in external factors such as an organization’s response to laws and regulations and internal factors, such as its culture, policies and practices, and the resources it uses in addressing challenges.  In assessing your policies and practices, ask

·       What do they say?

·       Do they work in concert with each other?

·       Are they applied consistently in similar situations?

·       Do they provide flexibility

·       What is unique about the situation and individuals involved?

·       How are they communicated to employees & managers?

·       Do managers receive training on applying the policies?

·       Are you factoring judgment into the decision process?

Remember that any decision you make is not without risk, but don’t let that be an excuse for not making any decision.

Boundaries

Remember diaries?  I recently listened to an "oldies" song, Neil Sedaka's The Diary -- about that little book with the lock and key.  There is a story behind this hit.

Earlier, when Sedaka, a songwriter and performer, was collaborating with Howard Greenfield, they were working with singer Connie Francis on her hit "Stupid Cupid," Connie became distracted and began scribbling in her diary. Greenfield began teasing her about it, wanting to sneak a peek, but she refused.  However, the idea for the next song emerged.

Let me clarify some facts about diaries for younger readers.  It was a book where teenage girls wrote their most "private and intimate" thoughts, thoughts about their girlfriends (their BFFs) and thoughts about boys -- the ones they thought were cute, the ones they liked, and the ones who were good kissers.  The book had a lock and key (often worn around a girl’s neck) to keep the diaries away from the eyes of others -- especially younger brothers.  She would be mortified if someone read her diary and knew what she was thinking!

In these days of social media, lack of privacy and no boundaries, I'd love to ask Greenfield and Sedaka how they would write those lyrics today!

There is clearly a lack of respect for boundaries in modern life.  Technology has blurred the lines between our personal and private lives.  Over the past year, I've witnessed some very clear lack of boundaries in business settings, which were not only rude, but also could be detrimental to the business.

I had just entered a meeting with a client in her office.  As I sat down, she closed the door to her office.  As soon as she sat down, there was a knock on the door and it immediately burst open.  The individual didn't wait to be invited in or much less be greeted by my host.  There was no regard or respect for neither her privacy nor the business she was conducting.  She could have been engaged in a discussion of a sensitive or proprietary conversation.  The intruder didn't seem to care. 

While waiting in the lobby of another client, an employee walked through talking on her cell phone.  From her tone, it sounded like a personal call, but I could have been mistaken.  As soon as she turned the corner I heard her scream an expletive, presumably into the phone.  All I could think was, "What if I were a client of this firm.  Would I think twice about my business relationship?"  I only hope someone counseled her.

Over a pedicure in the salon I've been frequenting for years, I had to endure listening to a woman on her cell phone making multiple calls regarding her brother's estate.  I learned more about this perfect stranger than I cared to know.  Private conversations should not be held in public!  If I were a casual customer, I might have considered not returning.

Boundaries and individual privacy are currently being chipped away in the modern world, not just on social media but in other forums and situations as well.  Modern technology has been a contributing factor.  Organizations should take heed of this trend, for it could lead to unsuspecting business and employee relations issues.  I’ve overhead confidential business conversations taking place in airports – information that should not be disclosed in public.  I’ve often counseled, especially in harassment training, that private conversations should not take place in public. Business leaders should reinforce this behavior and lead by example.   To paraphrase a poster I once saw on public transportation:  “Not everyone cares what you’re having for dinner!”

Tradition!

"Tradition" -- the opening number for the Broadway musical, Fiddler on the Roof features Tevye, the Dairyman, explaining the roles of each social class (fathers, mothers, sons, and daughters) in the village and how the traditional roles of people like the matchmaker and the rabbi contribute to the village. The song also sets the major theme of the show: the villagers trying to continue their traditions and keep their society running as the world around them changes.  These outside influences include an edict by the Tsar that evicts the Jews from their village.

Tevye, the father of five daughters, attempts to maintain his family and Jewish religious traditions.  However, each of his strong-willed older daughters wants to choose her own husband which moves farther away from the customs of his faith – the matchmaker chooses husbands for them. 

Many of us have recently celebrated the winter holidays which are rich in cultural traditions.  What is culture?  It’s

• the acquired knowledge people use to interpret experiences and generate behavior. 
• the attitudes, beliefs, and values that drive behavior.
• something shared by almost all members of some social group
• something older members of a group try to pass on to younger members
• something that shapes behavior or structures one’s perception of the world

We are all members of more than one social group.  Examples include our families, professional societies, volunteer organizations, religious organizations, social organizations such as book clubs, political groups, sports groups, etc.  The list can be endless.  Behavior is shaped by each of these groups and can vary depending on the group we are with at any given time.

The workplace is a social environment and the organization is one group to which an individual can belong.  Each organization is a social system with a specific culture – pattern of thinking and acting.  Corporate culture originates with the values brought by founders and key leaders. However, the way these cultures affect the members – employees and other stakeholders – is through shared practices or behavior.  Founders’ and leaders’ values become members’ practices. 

Organizational culture is generally:

• Holistic meaning that the whole is more than the sum of the parts
• Historically determined reflecting the organization’s history
• Grounded in anthropology and related to rituals and symbols
• Created and preserved by the group of people who collectively form the organization
• Often difficult to change (until it is exposed to outside forces)

Like any other culture, organizational culture will have (and you can look for)

• Special terms and symbols that only insiders understand
• Special types of people most likely to succeed
• Special rituals, such as periodic meetings, specific events and behavior
• Special values, those things people like to see happening or the things to most avoid (biggest mistakes you can

These terms, symbols, ritual and values not only define the uniqueness of an organization, they differentiate it from others.  For example:

·      Is the organization process oriented (how you do things) versus goal oriented (what results you achieve? 

·      Is the organization employee oriented (concern for people) versus job oriented (concern for completing the job)? 

·      Is the organization parochial (identify with the organization) versus professional (identify with the type of work)? 

·      Are there open systems (welcoming and transparent) versus closed systems (secretive and messaged in communications)? 

·      Is there loose control versus tight control?  Is there a great deal of focus on things like cost and punctuality or not?

·      Is the organization normative (focused on procedures, dogmatic) versus pragmatic (focused on customers’ needs and results)? 

I worked for a company that had a unique culture for many, many years.  Over time it began to change to meet changing business needs.  When I speak to former colleagues, some still there and some who left after I did, they always tell me that it’s not the same company we once worked for.  It’s undergone a major transformation.  That’s not necessarily a bad thing – it’s just a change. 

We’ve talked a great deal about hiring for cultural fit, both in our blog posts and in The Big Book of HR.  During the next year we will be discussing different organizations and their own unique cultures.  At the start of a new year, it’s a good time to reflect on your organization’s culture – what shaped it, what sustains it, and what are the external forces impacting it.  Are you reacting like Tevye and holding onto tradition that no longer fits, or are you being agile, recognizes the changes around you and adapting?